Monday, March 4, 2013

The hardest part is figuring out what was real

We weren't together for a tremendously long period of time, but the quality of the relationship I experienced while we were together made it feel like we had been together for a very long time. He always told me that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me.

When his parents intervened on us moving in together, he told me not to worry, because he believed that we could make it through anything. As it turns out, I guess he no longer believes that. All I wish was that I had the opportunity to show him that we can make it through anything together. I don't want this to sound like post break up, whiny, desperation, because that's not what this is. Time will be the one to tell us where our relationship is going to go, and we will have to wait it out and be patient. I felt like we really worked together, I was constantly happy, even when times were tough.

Now that he is telling me that he is trying to move on, I am nothing but confused. He's given me his reasons for our breakup multiple times, he doesn't want a girlfriend, doesn't want a physical relationship and doesn't want the stress of the future.

The problem is, from my point of view, these reasons are ones that could be easily fixed, with the exception of the not wanting a girlfriend. I always thought our relationship had for both of us made our lives less stressful. I was always more peaceful and calm when we were together. Knowing that he was only a text message away ready to help me if I needed him was the biggest relief in my life. Before our relationship I couldn't sleep in the dark. At 19 years old, I was unable to conquer the stress of sleeping in my bedroom basement, alone, in the dark. Even before we were dating, when we were starting to come together, the fear and the stress began to leave me. He made my world a much brighter place, as cliche and bad romantic comedy as that sounds.

If having a physical relationship was truly something that he didn't want, really, truly, wasn't comfortable with, all he had to do was tell  me, and that would have been all I needed to control myself.   I fell in love with him way before sex was ever a part of our relationship, and if not having sex was what he wanted, then it was not a part of our relationship that was needed, as long as we could still kiss and be intimate with each other in different ways. This particular reason came as a huge shock to me, seeing as it had never been mentioned before, and if it had been it could have been easily resolved. It was often him who initiated sex, would send me suggestive text messages, and would suggest we have Skype over the course of our long distance relationship. He had often asked me to get naked on webcam. This was obviously something that pleased him at the time. We had had sex the night before we broke up, he had been the one to suggest it. If I knew this was a concern, we could fix it.

I feel like he is just scared that we got too serious too quickly. Which is true, we got too serious too quickly. He proposed the idea of us living together after we had been dating for two weeks, and we found a place after only 5 months. At our age this was a terrifying pace to move at. I knew we could do, I knew that it was something we could handle. For him, I understand that this probably freaked him out so much, and put a tremendous amount of pressure on him. I never wanted to be the type of live in girlfriend who was controlling. Actually, I never want to be any type of girlfriend who is considered controlling. I want him to be able to go out freely with his friends without feeling guilty. I made some mistakes looking back. When he first told me he may want to travel to Germany, and wouldn't be keeping contact with me often because he only wanted me to speak German, I was always okay with him wanting to go. I want him to follow his dreams. It was the lack of contact with me that bothered me. It is hard to maintain a relationship without any communication. But now, with no relationship, I would give anything to have him be my boyfriend and take off to Europe from 6 months if it meant after the 6 months he was coming back to me. He also brought up a time where I had mentioned that I would be uncomfortable with him making weekend visits to his female friends house a few hours away. The previous summer, he had gone to visit her quite a few times, and it had been really hard on me, and those feelings were coming back up. After his parents wouldn't let us live together, I suggested he live with her. I trust him, I love him. He had told me we were invited up to the farm to go horseback riding and stay for the weekend and at the time I had told him yes, that sounds awesome. When he was breaking up with me, he told me that I had said no to this. And that he was upset I wouldn't let him go visit. If I was going to let him live with this girl next year, why wouldn't I be okay with it. I had obviously worked through any insecurities that had existed.

He had talked marriage, kids, and the future freely on his own will. This made it okay for me to want to talk about it. He had told me he loved that I was willing to talk about a future. I thought he was my future. He had told me many, many times how in love with me his was, saved messages on my phone and many emotional nights spent together proved that to me. Just 2 days before our breakup he was slow dancing with me, looking into my eyes and telling me how much he loved me. Now that it is over, he says he doesn't know what love is.

I just want to be the one to show him what being in love really means.

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