Sunday, March 3, 2013

At one point we had an end date, and now we just have an end.

I feel like this is something I need to write down, something I need to remember, so that weeks, days, down the line I don't misconstrue any of the facts I remember, I don't start changing the story in my head, and I remember exactly how I am feeling right now for the future. While this is obviously being drawn from memory, some conversations will be paraphrased and may not use exact words, just due to lack of complete memory, but will be what I remember to the best of my abilities. Bear in mind that this is exclusively my side of the story and is a quite biased recounting, and as such things that were done by my boyfriend may have been done with completely good intentions from him. These are strictly my feelings on the matter.

It's over. 

On Saturday, February 23, I was the happiest girl in the entire world. I woke up early in the morning, did my hair, did my makeup, and for once it wasn't the usual morning routine. It was for him. He always told me he loved it when I was all done up, so this particular morning I put all my effort into it, I made it extra special. I finished packing my bags, and with the nervous, burning feeling in my stomach, I loaded my suitcase into the back of the car, my carry-on Michael Kors tote in hand. I arrived at the airport, checked in, went through security and soon enough I was on a plane, thankfully my flight was not delayed as it had been last time. We we're so excited to see each other, he was texting me and telling me that he loved me and he couldn't wait to see me. My plane finally touches down in his city. My legs are weak, my stomach more butterfly-filled than ever before. I'm here. I quickly dart into the bathroom, check my makeup, straighten up, and spray on a final spritz of perfume. I walk to the baggage area where he is waiting to meet me.

My eyes finally find him, and I am filled with a rush of happiness so giant I am overwhelmed. I run to him and throw my arms around him and kiss him again for the first time in too long. I missed his kisses. We walk over to the baggage area to collect my bag. I can't get over how good he looks. He is wearing his new glasses and has his peacoat and scarf on. He has never looked more handsome to me, especially with the little bit of scruff on his perfect jawline. We grab my bags and head out to find our ride. On the way back to his place, we hold hands in the car, talk to each other and he even sends me a very sexually driven text message about what he wants when he gets home. I can't wait to give him exactly what he wants. 

We get to his house, he carries my bag upstairs for me, and we head to his room. We lie together and kiss, I love the way he kisses me, I always have and I never want it to stop. Finally it progresses and we   are making love. He gets me there, he always does and I love him for it. I pull myself together and he questions if I am hungry or not. I didn't have time to eat before I got on the plane, so I am absolutely famished. We start to cook together, he is cooking the ground beef for the pasta sauce while I chop vegetables. I love cooking with him, he is such a good cook and he makes me adventurous when it comes to trying new things. The pasta is finally done and he grabs two wine glasses and a bottle of wine for us to share. I love when he does romantic things like this. After dinner we abandon the kitchen and head back to his bedroom. Candles are lit and I'm encouraged to drink more wine to, well, ease the pain.  He likes to be rough when we have sex, to leave bruises, and this time we want to go to a place we never have gone to together before. I trust him, I love the way he touches me and I am so excited. It is extremely painful, but I know that he would stop the moment I ask him to, so I let him continue. The bruises still linger on my body as I type. He leaves and takes a shower, and I soon join him in it. He doesn't stay in long with me, but gets out just a few minutes after I get in. I keep my hair dry and just stand under the water. I had decided to take a shower to be with him in it, so when he leaves I quickly finish up and meet him back in his room. We sit in bed together and he asks me after a while if I want dessert. We finally get out of bed and walk to the store. When we arrive home, we hang out for a while and start talking about the Oscar party we will be throwing the next night and finally we cuddle up in bed together and fall asleep. 

We wake up slightly before noon the next day and begin to plan for the party. I take a shower and blow dry my hair, and put on very basic makeup knowing that I will be going all out that night, making my man happy. We decide on a menu for the party and head out grocery shopping. I'm focused, making sure that we get everything we need to make this party perfect. He's out in the store tackling his portion of the list. I begin to thing of how these mundane tasks such as grocery shopping, or cooking, or cleaning up make me insanely happy, because I'm with him. We finish shopping and we get home and start to prepare. His room needs to be set up and food needs to be prepared and we work on tackling these tasks together. He helps me to make food and is being so perfect, he's wearing his soccer jersey, the one he wore all summer when the Euro was on. I always loved it on him, he's so incredibly handsome. As we hit the last hour before guests are due to arrive, I lock myself in the bathroom to get ready. As I finally finish myself, he asks me to help him tie his bow tie. I've never done this before and have absolutely no idea how to do this so we take to YouTube to try and figure it out. I start to get frustrated, and I will admit that when I am frustrated patience is not a possessed virtue of mine. I finally figure it out, but I know I shouldn't have acted the way I did while I was attempting to, and my sweet boy never mentions it. 

Guests are here and the party goes into motion. I meet some of his friends that I haven't met and everyone gets along really well. I've always been so glad that he has such great friends at school, people who could be there for him and make him happy, especially when I was so physically far away from him. Many of his friends are girls and for the first time with a boyfriend it doesn't matter. I trust him. I will admit at first I had my insecurities, especially during the summer and at the very beginning of our relationship, but they were quickly gotten over and replaced with nothing but happiness for him. The food is enjoyed and the Oscars are great this year! I was slightly nervous, I really wanted to make a good impression on his friends. At one point as I try to kiss him as the room empties, he says that a lot of his friends aren't the PDA type and he wants me to scale back so as not to make them uncomfortable. This is fine, I have no problem with this, but his slightly condescending tone does take me back. I become even less comfortable after that and start to really watch myself for the rest of the night. After we break up, he makes a mention of this to me, saying I was insecure (or something like that) around his friends. Well no wonder when I'm watching my every move just to make sure I don't screw up, especially with the things he as told me before about them. The party continues, he plays bartender and he is truly fabulous at it, the ever pleasing host. His many friends throughout the night had come up to me and talked to me about how highly he spoke of me, some even going into detail about the things that he had said and I thought to myself, "Wow, this boy really truly loves me." As the party winds down and it's only couples left, he transitions from bartender to DJ and beings to play old love songs. He takes me in his arms and begins to dance with me, holding me close, looking into my eyes and telling me that he is so in love with me. I fall in love with him all over again. I constantly do, he never fails to make me happy, to impress me. Finally the night winds down and he jokes about getting everyones girlfriends drunk, yet not his own. I grab the closest bottle of vodka and very heavily spike my drink and begin to chug it down. As everyone begins to leave I am so excited to have crazy, passionate sex with him. He tells me he wants me to give him a blowjob.  Okay then, I am so excited to give him the best blowjob! After he finishes, the cold that he has had for the past few days catches up with him and he begins to cough pretty heavily. I told him, albeit being rather disappointed myself, not to worry about it and we would make up for it the next day. I cuddled up beside him, and we fell asleep. 

When we woke up the next afternoon I knew that there was work to be done. He asked me to start collecting glasses while he cleaned up his room. I took all the glasses and plates that were sitting in his room to the kitchen and began to clean. He had to move things out of his roommates room and there was a couch to be brought back down from the kitchen. He had help from his roommate and I cleaned the kitchen. Yes, there definitely was work to have been done in his room, but I felt as if every time I had walked in there he was sitting at his computer. It was probably just poor timing on both of our parts, and I'm not saying he hadn't done any clean up because the room was quite obviously put back together somehow, but catching him on the off chances he wasn't working had made me feel like I was doing the majority of the work. On top of the clean up from the party, he asks me to do his laundry. I have no problem with this at all when he asks me and I get to work. I tell him I'll make him dinner, and he is asked to go into work for a little bit. I head to the grocery store by myself and he heads the opposite direction. When I finish getting groceries, I head home and start to cook dinner. His friends are in the kitchen playing video games at the table so I just work around them, using the stove as counter space, the laundry machine, anywhere I can. Finally, my love comes home and walks into the kitchen to greet me. He talks to his friends and I finish dinner and change the loads of his laundry over, I put the finished load in the basket and begin to put it away in his room and the second load goes into the dryer. 

When dinner is ready, his friends are still using the table. I am hoping after we spent all day in separate rooms cleaning and then him going to work, which although we were in the same house I feel like I haven't spent any time with him that day, we could spend a nice romantic evening together. I hand him a plate of food and he sits it down on the table beside his friends computer, and he asks his other friend to move over. He is usually super romantic at dinnertime, so this confuses me. Why hadn't he suggested we go and eat alone in his bedroom. I feel a little stressed after the day, and the heat of the kitchen isn't helping, and I begin to have a small asthma attack. I know all I need is a drink and a little fresh air. I go and sit on his bed with the window open and begin to breathe deeply. He comes in and asks me what's wrong and I tell him, and let him know that I am fine, I just need a minute. I head back to the kitchen and we finish eating. He is talking to his friends primarily through dinner, which is totally fine, they're sitting at the table so obviously he is not going to ignore them, he is going to talk to them, and anyways what kind of intimate conversation could we have had with them sitting right there? As we finish, they talk about them staying to play video games. To be fair, my boyfriend does ask me if it is okay for them to stay. I had to say yes, they were standing in the room. I didn't want to be the girl who didn't let him hang out with his friends, he had friends who were in relationships with this kind of girl and had complained to me about it. If he had asked me aside my answer would probably have been a little different, I probably still would have given in to him and said yes, but at least I could have gotten some idea of how long it would be and such. It turns out that they were playing video games in my boyfriends room, the three boys sitting on his bed. I was sitting at his desk, it was very obvious that I was not going to be included in playing with them. I was never asked if I wanted to participate so I just opened my laptop and sat there for what ended up being hours. After a while I decided to get out of the room. I went to the kitchen and cleaned it spotless once again, just something to make him happy, to show him I was putting in effort for him, and to pass the time. I finished his laundry, but as the load was mostly socks, underwear, and towels, I was unable to put it away as the boys were sitting on his bed. I made myself a very, very strong drink and went and sat back at the desk. He would smile at me or talk to me every so often, and when he put his foot on my leg I gave him a foot massage. It was getting pretty late and I knew that we had to be up very early to go to his work in the morning, so I was getting slightly irritated. They finally finished playing video games and began to pack up, but not before a full blown Nerf war took place. His friends were running in and out of the room, so I couldn't even get undressed yet. 

My back was killing from pulling it the previous day, and spending the day cleaning and cooking hunched over had definitely not helped. I got into bed and he soon joined me. I ask him to rub my back for me and he obliges, it feels great, he really helps. He asks me to scratch his back in return, and when I do so for a few minutes he requests that I massage him. I take any excuse to rub my hands over his beautiful body, so I make sure to rub him everywhere and help with some of the muscle pain he had expressed in his back, arms, and so on. I rub his entire body, even taking the time to massage his toes with my tongue, to which he tells me that he loves when I try new things. I find the entire thing extremely intimate. I have never felt this close to a person before. As I finish, he hints that wants a happy ending to his massage, and I willingly oblige. He has always been the type to make sure I'm satisfied as well, so pleasing him only means good things for me, and with him being the only one who had got any the night before I figured tonight would be my night. His cough strikes up again and he does say he will return the favour, but I don't want to make him suffer any more than his poor cough was making him. We go to sleep. 

The next day we wake up bright and early and I get out of bed and start getting dressed to go to work with him. I'm going as fast as I can when he starts to rush me. It's completely understandable, he needs to be at work on time. He is telling me that I can always meet up with him later, but I don't want to walk there by myself. I don't want to be by myself. I came here to be with him, and the only place I have left the house to go with him is to the grocery store. I throw on my coat and we are out the door, hand in hand, walking to school. When we get there, he is understandably in a rush to get to work, and I am told there's a room upstairs that I can sit it. I had to go find it myself, and thank god it was the only room that fit the description. I sat alone in the room for an hour waiting. When he is finished, he tells me to meet him in the front of the building, that he has to go to the radio room for a minute. I ask if he wants me to come with him but he says no, that he has to go talk to his boss. Okay, that's fine. I meet him at the entrance to the building and we walk down to his favourite grocery store. We pick out things for dinner and decide on where to have lunch. I genuinely did not know what I wanted, but when I saw Cora's I was pretty excited and her agreed to go with me. We had a great brunch together and we began to walk back towards the school. He had to go and do another job, so I figured I could go home, unpack the groceries and take a shower. I head home, leave the first set of bags and then walk to the other grocery store to get some more basic things he needs. This is my fifth trip to a grocery store, my most seen sight in Halifax. I get back to his place and take a shower. I know we aren't going out anywhere so I brush my hair and don't put much makeup on. 

I text him a picture of me in my underwear, letting him know what's waiting for him when he gets home. It makes me so happy to be able to text him like that and not have it be, this is whats waiting for you in two months, but it is yours the moment you walk in the door. He instead texts me back about his excitement for his lego train. I was like, fine your train, jokingly. He responds saying he's the worst and he's a jerk sometimes. I assure him he's not, even though his train comment was not the reply I had hoped for to the picture. He texts me saying that the people are taking too long to start, and when I make a comment about people sucking, he tells me that I do too, but in the good way. It made me laugh. I finally get a message saying that snuggles were inbound and the next thing I know he is in bed with me and we are fast asleep. We wake up a few hours later and I ask him if he wants to start on dinner. He plays with his train for a while and then begins to make the dough for the pizza. As we cook together, he makes a comment about the way I'm making my pizza, implying that it's not the way he wants it. I snapped something back in self defence and the next thing I know he's looking at me the way he does when he is upset over something I said. I didn't mean to hurt him, or to start a fight, so I quickly apologize and kiss him. He asks me to go and get a little bit dressed up, stating that even though I was in a dress, those were my version of sweatpants. I made sure to go all out for him. When I went to his room, my appearance didn't really get a huge response. He did say I looked pretty, and he asked that I put a cute cardigan on. Normally stuff like this doesn't bother me, but after the time we had been having I was, admittedly, feeling a little insecure. 

We grab our homemade pizza and a bottle of wine and we sit in bed together and watch the Exorcist. I can tell something is bothering him and I try to talk it out of him. He tells me that he is just stressing ove a bunch of stuff. I tell him that I am the one person in the world he can tell anything to, no judgement, and get nothing but love in return. He finally tells me that the seriousness of our relationship is too much for him, and he can't promise forever. We're 19 years old, I don't expect him to. All I ever want from him is that he commits to me for the time being, because if things changed over time then that is life. He seemed to accept this answer and he says we should have sex before we go back to the movie. He just wants quick sex, telling me that later on he'll light candles and we will really get into it. We have sex, and it's great as usual. Thank god it was. We finish the movie, talking about the theme of it, and I tell him I believe in ghosts, not the visible halloween-y type that fly around, but I do believe there can be some type of other worldy presence for sure. He makes fun of me and tells me that he would break up with me because of it. I don't find this funny. When the movie is over, he turns off the lights and gets into bed. What happened to the promise of a romantic night? Yet again, it is evident that it's not happening. 

I will admit that I was getting worried, and this was probably my downfall. Had I ignored everything going on I would probably still have my boyfriend. We were talking and next thing I know he is on the floor, fetal position. I'm scared for him. I ask him if he wants me close to him, or to give him space. He says he is having a panic attack and the floor is cooler. I open the window and have him come to the fresh air. I ask him what he needs and he tells me, "I just need you to love me."

I'm already worried at this point, and this sets me off. I do love him, I have always loved him, and at that moment I could easily say I always would love him. I start to cry. I was genuinely scared. He hadn't been his usual romantic self all week, and it wasn't just because of the settling into a relationship. I let him know I was scared and I cried and I told him I just wanted us to stay together. Finally, at 5:30 in the morning, he tells me he needs to go for a walk to get air. He has done this before so it is not super alarming to me. He tells me he's not going to have his phone on, and that is. He leaves. He turns off his phone, turns of the GPS so I don't know where he is. He texts me every so often and tells me he loves me and that he'll be back in bed with me soon. I lay in bed and cry and wait. 

Two hours later he comes home. He stands near the bed and tells me that he needs space that day, and that if I'm the girl he knows I am, that I'll respect him. This is where I freak. This is bad. He takes off, leaving me to cry in bed, my stomach ripping with pain. I'm sick, and it hasn't stopped since then. I take a shower and do my hair and makeup, hoping that when he comes back that will make him happy. He tells me he is meeting with a tutor and that he'll be home around noon. At 11:35 I get a text saying he'll be a little later. I can't reach him unless he texts me, and without his GPS I don't know if he really is where he says. I believe him because it's him. Finally at 3 o'clock I can't take it anymore. I write a note, and I leave. I needed to get out of his house. I walked to the Atlantic Ocean and I sat there thinking. I knew things were bad. I didn't know why, and I didn't know why it had all come so suddenly, but there was a terrible feeling in my heart. He finally texts me after almost 12 hours of leaving me and asks me to meet him at a Tim Hortons. I knew the moment he choose a place like that that I should probably start looking at flights home. My friend tried to assure me that things were fine. How wrong she was.

I walked to the Tim Hortons and went into the bathroom to make sure I looked okay still. He finally showed up and got right to the point.

He didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. It was like a movie scene from there, he kept talking and I kept trying to pursued him that we could fix things, but he wouldn't listen. You don't want a physical relationship? That's fine, I've never loved you for sex. I don't need it. You want to go to Europe? That's fine, I'll be here waiting. It was no use, he wanted it over.

My world shattered. I held it in while we were in public but the moment I was in private I was a wreck. He, of course, had to go to work again, and I was left alone to cry and throw up. I finally get a call from my mom, who had received a call from his mom telling her that things aren't going well and I need parental guidance. She offered to pay for my flight home so I could leave. I told her I was going to try to stick it out, to see if we can make things work. I told her that he was a good person, that he wasn't mean to me, even though there were moments, they were few and far between. He finally comes home and I'm not happy with him, why would I be? I don't want him to go, I wan't him to sleep in bed with me. I want him close.

He doesn't want me, and he lets me know I can't change his mind, so I book my flight home. He sleeps on the floor and my heart shatters. The next morning I pack my things. He tells me I look pretty, and I don't know if I really did or he was just trying to make me feel better. He leaves for work, I feel like we spent such little time really being together this entire trip. He barely makes it home in time to see me off. He kisses me goodbye and makes a heart at me as I pull away. I won't see him in person for almost two months.

We were supposed to spend the summer together. We were supposed to have 5 magical months together. He promised me he would make it the best summer of my life. He was the one who suggested moving in together, who told me he seriously loved me and had talked about marriage and kids. I never would have been so serious if I knew it would have ended like this. I truly am in no rush to be on a serious road, I have so many plans for myself that all I wanted was a relationship, not anything more serious than that, and I wanted him to be my partner in things. I genuinely don't see myself with anyone else, I'm around other men and I feel nothing. As terrible as it sounds, that is not something that has happened before. I am almost repulsed at the idea of ever being with someone else.

If I had a second chance I would do so many things differently. I would go slow, as slow as he wanted. We're so young and there is no rush to do anything. I would make sure he didn't feel guilty about doing things, I want him to have fun. I just wanted to be his. That's all I ever wanted from him, and he really gave me everything I needed in a relationship. He was the best boyfriend I ever had.

He hurt me so badly, and it's even more painful coming from the boy I never thought would break my heart. I wish I hated him, I really truly do, because it would make things so much easier. He's the best guy in the world, and I really only want what is best for him, and if I'm not the best then I want him to be happy. Maybe one day fate will change it's course, but for now, I just want my best friend back.

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